In my digital culture class, we talked a few days ago about the idea of online avatars, and that got me thinking about my personal online presence--who I am, where I've been, and how I seek to portray myself. As you may know, avatars (not to be confused with an excellent series on Nickelodeon that enjoyed the premier of its second season this last Friday) are basically personae that we use to represent ourselves on the internet: usernames, profile pictures, blog layouts, "likes" and +1's--they all reflect who we are, or at least whom we wish to be seen as.
When I was sixteen or so, I got my start into the digital world through a web community based around a popular computer game called Warcraft III. This handsome fellow on the right was me from 2006-2009 (I bet you didn't know I was a night elf, right?) Now, you can hold your laughs and everything, because honestly, this community was one of the best things that happened to me in high school, it being the primary motivator for my creative and academic pursuits at the time. It was on this web community that I developed my first real interest in 2D and 3D art; here I made my first forays into programming, learning a C++ derivative and creating my own game and a number of AI engines; here I discussed philosophy, religion, politics, and ethics in ways that I had never done with anyone except for my best friend, Jordan. It truly was a haven for me, a place where I could escape to interact in meaningful ways with creators and thinkers from around the globe. And really, those people were some pretty close friends. I remember getting back from my mission and feeling a little bit like Marius form Les Mis when I went back to check on old friends--realizing that these people with whom I had once been so close had dissolved into the ether of the Internet.
In recent years, I've sought to be very open with my identity on the internet, but I still wonder every day whether that's really right for me. When I'm me, I sometimes feel restrained in what I can write (or about whom), because most of the important lessons (good and bad) that I pick up along the way are from those people who are closest to me.
I guess what I'm saying is I sometimes feel like I can't really get to the real me through my real self.
I don't know what that has to say about modern society--I have my thoughts, but I won't dare to tackle them in this context. For now, though, I'm okay with good, old-fashioned me. If I really have anything worth saying, I might as well be brave enough to say it without a mask. I think in some ways, though, that in coming to understand the masks we wear--both consciously and unconsciously--we'll better understand that enigma that is the mind and the ways that the Digital Age is changing the ways we think and act.
When I was sixteen or so, I got my start into the digital world through a web community based around a popular computer game called Warcraft III. This handsome fellow on the right was me from 2006-2009 (I bet you didn't know I was a night elf, right?) Now, you can hold your laughs and everything, because honestly, this community was one of the best things that happened to me in high school, it being the primary motivator for my creative and academic pursuits at the time. It was on this web community that I developed my first real interest in 2D and 3D art; here I made my first forays into programming, learning a C++ derivative and creating my own game and a number of AI engines; here I discussed philosophy, religion, politics, and ethics in ways that I had never done with anyone except for my best friend, Jordan. It truly was a haven for me, a place where I could escape to interact in meaningful ways with creators and thinkers from around the globe. And really, those people were some pretty close friends. I remember getting back from my mission and feeling a little bit like Marius form Les Mis when I went back to check on old friends--realizing that these people with whom I had once been so close had dissolved into the ether of the Internet.
In recent years, I've sought to be very open with my identity on the internet, but I still wonder every day whether that's really right for me. When I'm me, I sometimes feel restrained in what I can write (or about whom), because most of the important lessons (good and bad) that I pick up along the way are from those people who are closest to me.
I guess what I'm saying is I sometimes feel like I can't really get to the real me through my real self.
I don't know what that has to say about modern society--I have my thoughts, but I won't dare to tackle them in this context. For now, though, I'm okay with good, old-fashioned me. If I really have anything worth saying, I might as well be brave enough to say it without a mask. I think in some ways, though, that in coming to understand the masks we wear--both consciously and unconsciously--we'll better understand that enigma that is the mind and the ways that the Digital Age is changing the ways we think and act.
I think this post is extremely interesting. I love how you tackled the stigma of people who make friends on the internet and talk about how much being on the internet and being in that community helped you as a high schooler. I also think it's really interesting that you feel like you cannot be the "real" you while being yourself. I think this is interesting because there is so much good that can come from that idea, but a lot of bad comes from it too. The anonymity of the internet helps people speak their mind in a way that they've never been able to do before, but while this opens doors to discussing things and delving into deep topics, it also lets trolls and prejudice have a voice. People would never say to someone's face the things that they're comfortable saying on the internet, particularly youtube. I think this is fascinating, if sad as well. It goes back to there's a good and a bad side to everything, huh?
ReplyDeleteWhoa, Greg, I had no idea you made games! We'll have to talk more...
ReplyDeleteBut I think a real big issue you're dealing with here but didn't quite bring out explicitly is identity creation through the internet. Avatars are an alternate identity we create on the internet, but as use our real names and real faces like you were talking about, we are in a real way making choices about who we are and who we're going to be, which is interesting because that's a choice people have had to make since Eve first bit the fruit, but we've never had to make it like this before. Yet another aspect of digital culture that revolutionizes how we live--and probably influences who we and the world will all become in ways we can't yet predict.
It's interesting how our real lives can be so profoundly impacted by our digital presence. One thing that I definitely noticed as I got into digital media more is that I became much more concerned about other people's opinions and, in many cases, much less sure of my own. I think we sometimes need to just disconnect from everything to clear our minds of the noise...
DeleteI agree with you, Greg, about how digital media is making us more concerned with other people's opinions and less sure of our own. The good thing is that you can raise awareness about your topic by writing about it, but the bad thing is that much of what we write is going to be scrutinized. It's under a microscope, and if you do anything wrong, someone is going to point it out. And going back to what Victoria said in the first comment, "People would never say to someone's face the things that they're comfortable saying on the internet." I think people argue things on the internet that they would normally just ignore if it were in person.
DeletePerhaps it is a good thing that one's ideas can be scrutinized separately from one's person, though we have to acknowledge all the problems that come from anonymity. I also appreciate Greg's comment "I sometimes feel like I can't really get to the real me through my real self." We would like to think that the technological is artificial, a step away from the authentic, but all of the ways that we present ourselves publicly (from how we make ourselves appear physically to body language, tone of voice, etc.) can all be ways of achieving either less or more authenticity. I do think it is clear that more demands are placed upon us to have an identity online, and that's a curiosity in and of itself (especially for young people, who are unsettled and more experimental with their identity during those years anyway).
ReplyDelete